I'm tired. I'm tired of being tired. I'm worn thin. I feel all used up. Right now I'm just not sure how I am going to summon the energy to engage and interact with my son when he wakes up from his nap. I want a break. I don't want to be Mom right now. Can't I just slouch around the house for a day. Let a day go past completely wasted on random TV sitcoms? Why did I not realize what a luxury that was before I had a kid?
Yesterday my son skipped his second nap. We were out for lunch when he started giving sleepy ques and by the time we were home and tried to put him down he was wired and over tired and refusing to sleep. So we went mall walking with my sister and her baby. On the way home at 5:30 he fell asleep in the car without a peep. Sweet sleeping baby.
You know what I said out loud when I realized it? "Sh**! I'm F***ed!" Because a baby sleeping at 5:30 either means this is a ridiculously early bedtime and I will be up for the day at 3:00 am tomorrow or this is a ridiculously late second nap and he will be up until 10:00 pm and I'll have absolutely no time to myself to unwind leaving me feeling a little insane.
I decided to just try and put him down for the night when we got home and pray he will not get up too crazy early. He nursed and nursed laying sweetly in my arms but not falling asleep. Sweet cuddly baby. Not fighting it but not falling asleep.
I felt irritated with him.
Am I really going to sit here in a dark room rocking and rocking and rocking for who knows how long driving myself crazy to work for a way to early bedtime that might have me up before the crack of dawn? Ummm no.
So we got up, tried to play, got cranky, had a snack, watched some baby signing time. He was wanting to nurse every 5 min. He was needing me a lot. This shouldn't be a problem. We are just hanging out at home. I love breastfeeding my son. I believe it is so good for him and it's good for our bond. When we are at home like this and he is a bit needy I can just leave my boob exposed for him and let him have at it and just chill out. But sometimes it makes me feel so...... used.
He is just a baby. He is not doing anything wrong or even being unreasonably difficult. He is doing exactly what a one year old who missed a nap could be expected to do. He is perfect. And right now in this very moment I resent him for it. It feels wrong to say it but its true and I know I am not alone in feeling this way about my child sometimes.
I love him more than anything. My heart is bigger and fuller because he is a part of my life. He has brought new energy to my life. He is a joy. It feels so good to be loved the way he loves me. It feels so good most of the time to be needed they way he needs me. Being his Mom is the most wonderful, rewarding and fulfilling job I have ever had. I am honored to be him Mom.
And yet these moments still hit me every once and a while. And today is not the last. I will feel like this again.
When I started writing this I was wondering if I was wasting good nap time I should be using to slouch around while I can or do some yoga or read. But you know what? I think admitting how I feel out loud is probably the best thing I could do. Just saying it makes me feel a ton better.
I think I'm ready to be Mom again.